TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the vision at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical improvement-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Of course, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, the town historically noted for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It will be remarkable. Great!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom call, streamed with the Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. Some of the best. But now, we're developing them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and completely away from spot. Made by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A a few-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour till the drone flies")




  • In addition to a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable water. But Certainly, positive, let's have A further area exactly where American Males can put on robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace try because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though earlier negotiations unsuccessful beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is easier: offer you All people a suite around the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In line with documents released on Trump Tower Damascus https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is delicate energy," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It's not that Trump should not open up a tower inside a war zone. It can be that he ought to end utilizing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested about the task, replied, "You know, guy, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the lodge's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head noticeable from space, a feature being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as the chin is… nicely, labeled.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits soon after acquiring the building's gold plating mirrored a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It is not just unattractive. It is a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Complicated Attributes


Probably the strangest component of the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium in which attendees may well ponder vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with local climate Handle established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Regional Syrians are Not sure what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Approach: "When you Bomb It, They Will Come"


The advertisement campaign, a short while ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is Endlessly."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll executed within a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% stated "the place's the closest elevator to your West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Crisis That Pays"


The task is currently attracting notice from Worldwide traders, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll obtain a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree will also include things like:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait to find out a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a lodge wherever my PTSD may have change-down support."


An additional publish from @KuwaitiKardashian basically asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Reviews suggest:




  • China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to build a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Remaining Thoughts from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It needed gold. It necessary a waterslide formed much like the Constitution. I gave everything a few. You happen to be welcome."

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